Dear Yorkshire TV,
Having seen a trailer for the new ITV celebrity reality show ‘My Fair
Kerry’, featuring showbiz chav Mum, jungle celeb and former manufactured pop warbler Kerry McFadden’s hilarious attempts to become an Austrian princess, I began to think of possibilities for other life-changing reality formats featuring celebrities.
My idea for the format is essentially a flip take on the well-trodden principle of the Cinderella story. That is, rather than rags to riches, riches to rags. The concept is for a six week prime time, 45 minute run called ‘The house that Charlie built’ featuring a fly on the wall look at HRH The Prince of Wales’ efforts to be come a hod carrier in Sheffield.
After a brief prologue showing the Prince on his Highgrove estate, discussing his hopes and fears for the next six weeks, the series would start in earnest with HRH thrown in the deep end, working on the new regeneration project in the cultural area of Sheffield. He’d be assigned a mentor or ‘foreman’ – some big burly Yorkshireman with loads of tattoos and a beer gut the size of Barnsley – who shows him the ropes and drops in the occasional bollocking. First off Prince Charles is taken shopping for jeans, a slogan’d up T-Shirt (something humorous and genitalia related) and some ‘rigger’ safety boots, his Saville Row suit stripped off and he’s kitted out in traditional builders attire – plenty of arse crack shots. Then his first day on the site where he’s run ragged carrying big hods of bricks up and down all day, whilst encouraged to wolf-whistle at passing office girls. Mentor encouragement along the lines of, ‘Look at t’arse on that splitter, Chaz!’ And, ‘Keep movin’, you jug-eared twat!’ We then see him that night in his Park Hill flat absolutely knackered, speaking into his camcorder in the bath as he necks a bottle of Stella.
Albeit we’ve missed the boat for Prince Charles’ own wedding, one programme will feature him visit Prague on a stag weekend for one of the other builders (plenty of cross class interaction, vulgar laughs and violent arguments). We would take him to the strip bars and get him to indulge in some naked dwarf tossing. Blasted on Pilsner, living on kebabs, tucking his Coronas into G-Strings like there’s no tomorrow. End the evening with him chucking his ring in Wensclaslas Square and copping off with a Bulgarian good time girl in company with Jimmy, the site’s obligatory Irishman.
These situations would easily fulfil reality TVs necessary quota of schadenfreude. I think we might even take him to Devil Bitch tattoos in Cudworth, Barnsley and get him branded up. I think you have to agree, that would make for quality viewing.
Obviously, the series needs some central aim in order for it to evolve and to carry both HRH and the audience on a journey leading to the final episode. For this reason the team should be building something worthy, but not too distressing – so that the viewers aren’t put off or upset. Say a hedgehog sanctuary. E.g., voiceover (I can hear Sean Bean doing this): ‘The team have only two weeks left before the hibernation period kicks in and the hedgehogs start to feel the chill of Autumn, Prince Charles has to shift two thousand house bricks a day while struggling with a 16 pint hangover to keep up. The pressure’s on…’
As for availability, I’m sure if YTV offered a bung to the Prince’s Trust HRH’d be up for it. Just remember it’s a ‘Royal Knockout’.
I think it’s a winner.
Let me know your thoughts. I can source a decent mentor for a few pints.
Yours in expectation,
> From: “Rachel Mathers, ITV
> To: guinnessorig
> Sent: Thursday, September 01, 2005 12:14 PM
> Subject: RE: Thank you for your feedback
> Thanks for your feedback that’s brilliant
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