Email. 01/05/2008

The following was issued by Barnsley Council press office on 21/04/2008:

Barnsley residents invited to experience Cultures of the World

TRADITIONAL Kurdish and Polish dancing, an East African drumming workshop and the San Pedro Salsa Band will be among the attractions at a Cultures of the World event on Saturday, 3 May (12 noon to 5pm) on the Central Area Amphitheatre site in Kendray, Barnsley.

Open to all, the fun-filled occasion has been organised by Kendray Neighbourhood Management, with sponsorship from Haslam Homes, to highlight the many different cultures we live alongside.

There will be Arabic, Caribbean and Japanese-style food, a barbecue, children’s entertainer Barney Baloney, henna painting and hair braiding.

The day will begin with a parade of children from four schools, plus a holiday activity group of children wearing tee-shirts and masks made in workshops during the school holidays.

Sports coaches will run sessions between 11am and 1pm, live performances will take place at the Burngreave information Vehicle. Adding to the diverse entertainment will be a DJ, the Montuno Band and Zakala African Arts.

There will also be an opportunity to meet Safer Neighbourhood Team members and Berneslai Homes Impact Team.

Anyone who would like to take part in the event, or hold an information stand, should contact Tina Smith of Kendray Neighbourhood Management on (01226) 732869, email: tina at Barnsley Council

Subject: Cultures of the World – 03/05/2008
From: guinnessorig
To: tina
Date: Thu, 1 May 2008 15:49

Dear Tina,

It was with absolute delight that I saw your Cultures of the World spectacular announced on the Barnsley Council web site. This is just the type of fun event that our small educational performance art group – ‘By ‘Eck!’ – thrives on. There are six core members of the team and we perform at village fetes, schools, night clubs and car boot sales both here and abroad (Sweden mostly) promoting the cultural richness of the great county of Yorkshire.

‘By ‘Eck!’ was born in the summer of 1999 when champion clog dancer Pete Gilbert and wizard Holmfirth folk fiddler Terry Longbones got together in an impromptu jam at a car boot sale in Normanton after Pete found a pair of old clogs for sale in the back of a Vauxhall Chevette. You can’t begin to imagine the reaction of the bargain rooters in the mixed crowd that gloriously sunny day. They went bloody wild! It was then that we realized that there’s a thirst out there from every day people to preserve, promote and learn more about the cultural heritage of England’s biggest and best

We offer the following performance art extravaganzas:

Yorkshire Black pudding studio. We let people get hands on and elbow deep in offal with some traditional Black pudding making. Imagine the fun and the rich smells as people get the chance to stretch out the pig intestines to prepare the skins before stuffing and tamping down the putrefied pig’s blood and bread crumbs in some traditional and delicious Yorkshire Black Pud. The puds are then griddled on a barbecue and served up to the very people who made them. Believe me, this one’s a big family favourite.

Nipsy workshop. Celebrating and promoting a game sometimes called Nor and Spell – a sport not dissimilar to golf, but without the Pringle jumpers and huge wads of money. Contestants flick a wooden ball in the air and then spank it as hard as possible. Furthest distance whacked is winner. We need to get the kids involved at grass roots level on what is set to be the Premier League football of the 21st Century. Jud Branner – from Goldthorpe – present Yorkshire and Northern Counties Nipsy champion will be on hand to crack a few off for a crowd of gob-smacked onlookers before letting the revellers get their hands on his wood and have a go for themselves.

We finish off the day with some West Yorkshire clog dancing backed by the ‘Batley Fiddlers’ – Yorkshire’s only fiddle orchestra. Imagine the combined northern harmonies of fifteen folk fiddlers scratching their way furiously through ‘Ilkley Moor bah’tat’ and ‘The Richmond Whore’ (augmented with the rich, vernacular voice of Yorkshire folk-singer Ryan Greatorex). This is a proper crowd pleaser.

Could you let us know in advance if you’re wanting the black pudding studio because we’ll need to slaughter one of the pigs a couple of days before for the blood to congeal suitably. We don’t want to let the kids down.

In addition to some open grass for the Nipsy (100 yards should do it), we’d need a performance/display area approximately 20 yards square, with at least half of that flat and level so that we can lay the Yorkshire stones necessary to get the right sound on the clog dancing. Phil will be bringing these in the back of his transit if you can secure us the necessary appropriate space. We had a bad experience on wonky ground at a horse fair in Yeovil and we don’t want to repeat that. Bill’s ankle still needs rubbing down on cold days. But if you can’t provide enough flat ground can you make sure we have some concrete. It’s just not the same on tarmac. No spark, no fireworks. I will never forget the looks of disappointment on the faces of the crowd in Milton Keynes when the muffled sound of our clogs thrumbed out on the spongy surface of a child’s playground. I’ll not put my lads through that again.

We have some disclaimer forms in relation to the Nipsy. These have been a work in progress but now cover broken bones (including skull fractures), smashed windows and damage to motor vehicles. If you give us a rough idea of numbers expected at the event I can set my wife Margaret on with the photocopying in advance.

And, by ‘eck, here’s looking forward to a great day!




Could you tell us what time Barney Baloney is to appear because we’ve had trouble with him before.




  1. deleted user · May 5, 2008

    That’s exactly the sort of retrograde, little Englander nonsense we should be fighting against, Guinness. I for one am thankful that our brothers and sisters in Barnsley Metropolitan Borough Council have the vision to recognise that we are all citizens of the world. It’s heartening to know that all the money spent on sociology degrees at the University of Birmingham hasn’t been wasted and is being put to use in their efforts to increase diversity awareness amongst the good ciizens of Barnsley.

    I’m sorry, I did want to take the piss, but I just can’t keep this thread going…Frankly the lengths to which local and national government will go to brainwash us is staggering. How can it be that every culture is fantastic and something to be celebrated, every culture except our own that is.

    No doubt having posted this, I’ll be exiled to some Stalinist re education centre and only be released when I’m wearing ethnic beads and have sold my semi in favour of a tepee pitched on Worsbrough Common.

    I know there’s a lot of redevelopment been going on in Kendray, but Christ on a bike, I think it’s pushing it a bit to describe the windswept grassy expanse with the children’s play area, as an “amphitheatre”. Put it this way, if I was asked to describe ancient Greece, images of Birk Avenue and Lambert Road wouldn’t immediately spring to mind. Then again, perhaps I just lack imagination. No doubt Plato and Aristotle would have felt perfectly at home on Yews Lane, as they philosophised their way back from the needle exchange.

    Here we go again, my cynicism getting the better of me. Maybe BMBC are hoping to start some kind of multicultural domino effect. What starts with a bit of Eastern European folk dancing in Kendray could snowball into Kurdish traditional music being heard on the streets of Lundwood. With a bit of hard work this could even spread as far as Brierley. Yes, I’ll put my prejudices to one side and embrace the cult of the liberal left. I’m sure it’s all well intentioned. Just one thing, can anyone remind me what is it that paves the road to hell?


    • guinnessorig · May 5, 2008

      Selling your semi, flamingcross? AGAIN! [Cue drum roll & cymbal crash]


  2. deleted user · May 6, 2008

    I’ve been telling everyone you deserve a publishing contract and are a very talented writer, but with gags like that, I’m not so sure. Maybe we could find you a support slot for Joe Beasley and Cheeky Monkey at Butlins in Skegness. Take my wife…..Please (cue another drum roll and similarly dramatic cymbal crash)


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s