The Royal Marines. FAQ

Question: Who are the Royal Marines?

Answer: Commonly called ‘Bootnecks’, the Royal Marines are the Royal Navy’s amphibious warriors and are key component of the government’s Rapid Reaction Force. High on Benzedrine they bring destruction to our enemies around the world, leaving decimation in their wake.

They are required to be trained to work in different terrains and environments, from the cold, mountainous conditions in Northern Europe, to the hot arid regions of the Middle East and Africa and to the dense tropical beach bars of the Far East.

All Royal Marines, except those in the Royal Marines Band Service, are first and foremost, steroid-fuelled killing machines. They are required to undergo what is recognised as one of the longest and most psychologically damaging infantry training regimes in the world. Their blood lust is legendary.

Question: In ‘An Officer and a Gentleman’ was Richard Gere a Royal Marine?

Answer: No, but he might easily have been. Gere trained with 3 Commando for two months during the Spring of 1980 and the easy way he learned with prostitutes during that time was apparent in his 1990 film ‘Pretty Woman’.

Question: What about the initiation ceremonies?

Answer: These are character building. Would be Bootnecks can expect to be demeaned, demoralized and embarrassed as part of a systematic training approach designed to throw their personalities off kilter and turn them into psychotic killing machines.

Question: I take part in homemade pornography, does this debar me from being a Royal Marine Commando?

Answer: Not at all. Many of our ranks fill their spare time by shooting amateur skin flicks and ‘gonzo’ is seen as a healthy pastime when not on active duty slaughtering the enemy. Information on joining the Royal Marines can be found here.

Question: What is 713 Assault Squadron Royal Marines?

Answer: 713 Assault Squadron are a crack commando team specializing in wrecking local public houses. A typical operation will see the unit consuming copious amounts of alcohol for several hours in a local hostelry before erupting into violence and mayhem where as many locals are assaulted as possible and maximum criminal damage is inflicted on the premises. The unit get its name from the cost of repairs to The Cat and Fiddle pubic house in Plymouth destroyed by Marines in 1964. The squadron has been based at RM Turnchapel in Plymouth since 1987, from which it deploys boat groups for operations and exercises worldwide.

Question: What weapons do the Royal Marines use?

Answer: Basically anything to hand. The Royal Marines pride themselves on being able to inflict death and damage with practically any object that presents itself. During the Orkney uprising of 1997 Marine Robinson disabled five crofters with a rusty crampon. A full list of official weapons can be found here.

Question: What is the training to be a Royal Marines Commando?

Answer: The Royal Marines Commando course takes place at the Commando Training Centre, (CTCRM), Lympstone, Devon and lasts 32 weeks. TV fitness guru Rosemary Connelly is currently head of commando development and has taken over from GMTV’s Mr. Motivator who retired from service in 2003. All recruits start the day at 0400hrs with 5lbs of raw liver and groin injections of cattle steroids. The training programme is based around the James Caan film, ‘Rollerball’, with less rules and more violence. The day ends at 2300hrs with systematic beatings dished out by senior recruits.

Full details can be found here.

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