Gordon Brown is pledging his affinity with rural, carrot-crunching masturbators the length and breadth of Great Britain by promising ultra-fast broadband for every home. Hurrah! Soon, if big Gordon gets his way, youll be able to crack one off to crotchless panty-wearing cheerleaders even deep in the boggy bowels of rural Cornwall, download handy-cam-shandy gonzo porn when atop the very peak of Cumbrias Scafell Pike and live stream triple-X web cams, without the off-putting pauses, pixelization and crashes that spoil your rhythm, direct to the middle of the lonely purple heather-carpeted North Yorkshire moors. The Prime Minister has stated his belief that fast broadband is as vital to our happiness, well-being and prosperity as electricity and water. And hes right, access to redtube and the BBC iPlayer is fundamental to the Human Rights of this country. During these dark days of recession and financial despair we owe it to ourselves to wallow in porn and velvety repeats of My Family. Our Gordon is promising lightening fast cyber scuzz for everyone. At last, a Prime Minister who understands the needs of his people.
The plan is to get 50mbs capability piped into the homes of the nation by 2017, investing heavily in Fibre to the Cabinet technology. This will mean that so-called Not Spots that are presently denied the pleasures of illegal file sharing and HD quality pornography through poor network capacity will be brought into the 21st Century and be gobbling gigabytes of illicit downloads before you can type MILF money shot into the Google search bar. The speeds will be tremendous. No more irksome, frustrating waits for that Dutch hardcore to buffer, your access to big breasted Heidi in Amsterdam will be immediate and smoother than her shaved lady bits. The upgrades in hardware will be achieved with a 50p per month tax on all landlines, raising somewhere in the region of £170,000,000 per year. The Porn Tax. But it will be worth it, believe me. Those lactating ebony babes will arrive faster than ever. The Latino teens (certified 18) will be performing some girl on girl on your dual CCFL back-lit LCD 17 laptop screen within nanoseconds. Its going to be seamless. But its not just about porn. Watching that Anthea Turner explosion clip on Youtube will be crisper. Scamsters in Nigeria will have quicker access than ever to your personal banking details. Those spam emails for Viagra and pipe lengthening, girth enhancing pills will be dropping into you inbox faster than you ever thought possible. And its all thanks to Gordon Brown.
But what is the taxpayer going to get in return for this massive forced investment? Who is going to profit? Who is going to get fat? The taxpayer buys the cables, the taxpayer creates the infrastructure, the taxpayer shovels money into the project and then some corporate branded internet service provider charges the taxpayer for using the network. Eh? In simple terms the taxpayers money is a top up to private investment but still it buys the taxpayer nothing. It secures the taxpayer nothing. The taxpayer ends up with a stake in nothing. Because Nationalization is bad. Do you understand? Bad. Because to be seen to be progressive and all that its vital that we just throw our tax money away without return. Were progressive, we believe in the free market. I mean, look how well the banking world has conducted itself. Its the sensible way forward. So the taxpayer will still have to stump up more cash to use the service. Meaning that we pay twice. Sounds reasonable for New Labours vision of Britain. Where everything costs more than it should through layered taxation and the scurried vision of private/public partnerships. A vision that shackled us to the monstrous debt of Private Finance Initiatives. That saw National Insurance contributions increase at the same time that prescription charges went up (still, I get a warm glow when I think of how my money is helping fund the needle exchange and the methadone programmes, dont you?). This is the sort of forward thinking free enterprise I associate with the Golden Age of Thatcherism, when Maggie was selling us back the major utilities and heavy industry that we already owned. British Gas, British Telecom, the National Grid, British Nuclear, British Steel, council homes. Build it and they will come and then make you pay for what you funded in the first place. A cracking idea. Because there is nothing more reliable than the immutable complacency of the British taxpayer. And youve got to admire the sort of innovative thought that manages to get someone to pay twice for the same thing and still end up owning nothing and then take credit for having done us all a favour. I love it.
Anyway, it looks like Angelikas bonk booth in Prague is finally buffered. Id better go before I lose my connection.