Nessun dorma

The Republic of Ireland is to hold another referendum vote on whether to ratify the European Union Constitution, oops sorry, I meant European Union Treaty. How could I get those two mixed up? Obviously, the referendum held in June 2008 by the Irish – when they rejected the Treaty – wasn’t decisive enough and clearly showed the Emerald Isle to be wavering somewhat, and so, to give them another chance to get it right, it’s time to vote again. Which is only fair, don’t you think? Sometimes people don’t know what’s best for them. It’s a simple fact of politics. United Kingdom voters aren’t to be pestered with a referendum vote on whether to accept the Treaty or not as our Gordon doesn’t want to bother us with it. And believe me, I can see where he’s coming from – this voting lark and making your own mind up, it’s just a hassle. Pure and simple. Nothing but a bloody annoyance. You’re worried about your rising utility bills, saddened by yet another British casualty in Afghanistan, wondering where your next 0% balance transfer is coming from, not sure if England’s pace attack is going to be enough to overcome the Aussies in the Ashes, and you don’t need the sort of pesky aggravation caused by having to decide on your own political, cultural, economic and financial future, do you? It’ll just tire you out. Instead consider Gordon’s approach to the referendum and the whole EU Treaty business to be a sort of democratic direct debit, he takes all the work out of it for you. You don’t even have to know anything about it. Why would you? Just leave it to Gordon and his team. Safe hands, as you know. It just happens. Sorted. Now, if we’d still been talking about the EU Constitution then, obviously, it goes without saying, as Labour pledged in their 2005 election manifesto, the public would get a vote. That’s self evident. There’s nothing more binding than an election manifesto promise. Everybody knows that. So, yes, had it been the EU Constitution at issue, and we were signing up to say that we wanted to surrender sovereignty to a central Europe government with unelected quangos, and relinquish our economic and political destiny to a bunch of self-interested foreign powers, making it simpler for them squirt some oil on the wheels in order to give Multi-Nationals free rein to establish Europe as a New Age Sweat Shop, then Gordon would have badgered us with a referendum. He wouldn’t have let us rest. I can guarantee you that, day and night, night and day, he’d have pushed that referendum vote down our throats. We’d never have heard the end of it. How important it was. How vital it was that we considered what was at stake. How much we needed to weigh up the issues at stake and make our vote count. I have no doubts about it. But the EU Constitution got ditched when the Dutch and the French voted against it in 2005. The European Union Treaty is a completely different animal. Completely different. Not the same thing at all. In no way. So nothing to worry about. No need for a vote in the UK, you see?


It’s not been said whether they’ll be a further referendum in Ireland should the treaty be accepted in this next vote. But why would you need one? At that stage the vote would have shown to have evolved from the voters’ initial ignorance of European and world affairs to a proper understanding of the issues at hand and everybody would be happy. Voila! End ex. Perhaps they’ll want to give the voter a third chance if it gets rejected again. Just to be sure. Not everybody is going to grasp the complex issues at hand on the first or maybe even the second occasion. Voters make mistakes. And don’t we know it! It doesn’t mean you give up on them, does it? No. Keep hammering away, they’ll get it in the end.


Under the auspices of this innovative take on final results I think the FA should get on the ‘phone to FIFA’s Sepp Blatter. I would like to see England and Germany replay the penalty kick qualifier from the semi final of Italia ’90 over and over and over and over until England win. At which point I will be happy to accept the result and England can progress to the World Cup final, where, again, we’ll play as much time as necessary for Gary Linekar to score the winning goal. Three weeks should do it. A bit more if we’re lagging behind. Then blow the whistle the moment the old Walker’s crisp munching goal-raker bangs one into the net and puts us in front. They think it’s all over, it is now. It seems fair. Let’s have more of this way to settle things. Has anyone mentioned the procedure to Kevin Pieterson and the English Cricket Board? I think we might need it. Get ready for a long Ashes summer. We’ll still be playing come Christmas.


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