The Illuminati 2010 round-up



Firstly I’d like to express my gratitude to everyone who was generous enough to buy a raffle ticket in aid of my son’s five-a-side football team, the Notting Hill Rascals. Thanks to your efforts a new strip will be purchased in the New Year and Oliver and his pals wish to pass on a big thanks to both to yourselves and their new sponsors, the Royal Bank of Scotland. The boys are doing well in the North London league and hope to progress to Wembley in the Under 13s private schools Cup competition. Congratulations to Colleen in Admin who wins a box of Thornton’s Continental Selection. Well done, Colleen.


Well, 2010 has been a productive year on all fronts. Operation Serfdom is in full swing and the populace are slowly beginning to accept the New Reality. The shift from the Post-War illusion of affluence for all can finally be brought to an end and we can resume a more practical way to operate society. We are about to enter a Golden Age of higher taxes and reduced wages, and I’m happy to say that the populace appear to be lowering their aspirations accordingly. I think it’s fair to say that the sale of Cadbury’s marked a turning point. Public apathy showed that we were on the right track. Obviously, the objective of reducing wages and diverting as much of those wages into the government coffers is the final goal. The cuts now underway in Public Sector staff will accelerate progress. Less wages earners will create an employment pot from which employers will be able to dip at will and low wages will once again restore the United Kingdom’s position as a major base for manufacture. Banking bonuses due out in the New Year will further reduce morale and chip away at the populaces’ sense of self worth until they accept their fate as worker drones. At this rate we may even be ahead of schedule with Operation Serfdom’s 2020 predictions. Many multi-nationals are already making favourable sounds about locating their sweat shops back in the UK once the population has come to fully accept the New Reality. The wheeze of the minimum wage has set a bench mark of acceptability. The trades laws that were introduced under Tony will no doubt help and I’m confident that with Nick and David onboard we can close down any loop holes that present themselves.


On the subject of Nick and David, I have to say that Nick has redeemed my faith in politicians. Obviously there will be wobbles in the coalition, but Nick has shown that any principle is worth selling for four years bite at power. Following the outrage at Operation Biffer and Nick’s collaboration in the public sector cuts, we’re also confident that Nick’s decision to throw his lot in with David will put an effective end to the Liberal Democrats as a party following the next election. To quote a recent Audi advert, ‘we call this recuperation.’ Good times.


However, the overall success of Op Serfdom has had a knock on effect and we’ve seen some reversal in Operation Lovejoy, with many immigrants from the Baltic States deciding to return home as the standard of living is now higher there than in the UK. However, I have to say, I only see this as a mark of success in our endeavours overall. To all who worked on Lovejoy during the past decade, well done, chaps.


Operation Biffer has seen some teething problems with the student riots in London, however, on the whole the programme is progressing well, particularly with Nick Clegg’s support to drive it through. And public opinion – thanks to some clever image placements in the press – has seen a swing to support the idea that all students are worthless tossers who are skiving a living. I’m confident that we will see the desired reduction in University applications over the seven year period to 2016 by driving up tuition fees as far as we can. Operation Junior Biffer will further reduce literacy in the upcoming generation of school attendees. A hearty thanks to Jason and all the guys in Media and Propaganda. Such programmes as Shameless, Jeremy Kyle and the omniscience of Ant & Dec are promoting stupidity and half-wittedness in the young and assisting the programme marvellously. The dream of 50% illiteracy by 2030 is holding course. Great work Jason.


Operation Vroom has been progressing steadily for the past ten years and I think it’s worth noting its huge success as this month we reached an all time high for petrol at the pumps. Well done Tony and Dan. As you rightly say in your report, I don’t think there’s any price the mugs won’t pay for a bit of juice in their jalopies. I’m confident that there’s still some more mileage in that, if you’ll pardon the pun, and the increase in duty due to kick in this next year will test the waters before we push on to the £1.50 per litre target set back in 1999. Watch this space.


While I’m mentioning tax increases, in 2011 Operation Mugabe will enter the next phase and the rise in VAT is due to come online in January which will give us another bite at the populace’s wage packets. I see no reason why we can’t nudge this up to 25% at the very least by the end of the next decade.


A big well-done to Phil who won our Susan Boyle lookalike competition at last months team building outing to Center Parcs. It was a great weekend and I look forward to our next trip to the Lakes in March. Just a reminder to anyone who hasn’t seen the poster up on the notice board, the staff Christmas party will be at Harry’s Bar on South Audley Street at 7PM on Thursday. Paper hats obligatory.


Seasons greetings to all.



It’s the little things…

I’ll never wipe my arse on another sheet (or four folded over to avoid a sudden unwanted anal fisting) of Andrex toilet roll again. Not after heartless marketing twats at Andrex have dumped the Labrador puppy in place of a Computer Generated version. They say it’s given the idea a new lease of life and evolved the character. Lying bastards. It’s all about money. Have you seen how much a tin of Chappie and a few Bonios cost these days? That’s the bottom line for these callous, unfeeling capitalist swines. An Ad man was seen leaving the back door of Andrex heading for some duck ponds with a bin liner over his shoulder. A bin liner that seemed to be wriggling.