To be or not to be…?

Why do we have a ‘pair of underpants’ when there’s only one item? It was a question I posed to myself as I stepped into a pair of my own the other morning. Puzzling this one out I went to the wardrobe and pulled out a pair of trousers – again only one item, but an apparently plural description. Perhaps, I thought, it’s because they have two legs or have functionality for two things? Like a pair of spectacles…? Hmmm… if so, why not a pair of shirts? A Pair of jumpers? Eh? Eh?! Fu-cking-hell… WHY?!


Let’s face it, it’s a question that would have thrown Socrates. But I knew where to turn – the world wide web. Ha-ha! I thought, the Internet will know.


Now usually, at times of confusion such as this I’d have turned with confidence to that font of all human knowledge – Wikipedia. But Wiki doesn’t really lend itself to the posing of questions. Google’s not bad at this sort of thing, but a general search engine will throw up loads of results. So where? I’ll tell you where – Yahoo Answers, that’s where. Yahoo Answers is a fucking gold mine. Think of any stupid question, it doesn’t matter what it is, I promise you that it’s guaranteed that some halfwit, somewhere in the world will have already pitched that one into the mix before you, and that usual cocktail of pedants with nothing better to do with their time, and illiterate, grammatically-oblivious cock ends that populate the internet will have responded pompously or abusively. Occasionally you might get someone who’s actually helpful and knows what they’re talking about. That’s the internet for you. However, as fucked up and twisted as the responses may be, it’s the questions that I love. Because as well as questions fishing for knowledge about the biggest ever stool passed by a human being or more practical information about why it hurts when they wank, there are some seriously esoteric puzzlers. Why does my boss hate me? How long will it take for me to find a girlfriend? Why don’t I like the colour green?  How the fuck is anyone supposed to answer shite like that?! Seriously?! Yahoo Answers is a window on minds that don’t function right in a way that will have you staggered in admiration for their peculiar brand of creativity. It’s porn for the brain. Intellectual wank fodder.


So why do we have a pair of underpants…?